The Big Bang Theory: The Feminine Hygiene Mistake
by jfrankliniv
Summary: Howard is settling into married life. He's survived liftoff, orbited the Earth, survived re-entry, and finally moved out of his mother's house. But there are some things nothing prepares you for in life - like the first time you're responsible for the grocery shopping and that one last item on the list is something you know nothing about...
1. Chapter 1

_The Feminine Hygiene Mistake Prologue J. Franklin  
_

**THE FEMININE HYGIENE MISTAKE**

**PROLOGUE**

_(SCENE: A grocery mart. HOWARD is shopping with RAJ. They are pushing a shopping cart loaded with items as HOWARD consults a list.)_

RAJ: It was nice of Bernadette to trust you with the grocery shopping!

HOWARD: Well, her motivations weren't quite voluntary. She's in the lab all day and can't take any calls, so I volunteered to do it.

RAJ: And she let you?

HOWARD: (Shrugs) It was either that or have my mother do it.

RAJ: Oh. Good call. (Pauses) Can we hurry up? I want to get home and watch the director's cut of "Aliens."

HOWARD: (Checking grocery list) You've seen it a hundred times.

RAJ: Not on blu-ray!

HOWARD: It's the same ending as the first one. Sigourney Weaver runs around in a t-shirt and makes you hot and need a shower.

RAJ: Yes, but now it will be in high definition!

HOWARD: (Scanning list) Okay, I think that about covers everything…(Stops)

RAJ: And?

HOWARD: (Quietly) Oh, no…

RAJ: What, "oh, no?"

HOWARD: She can't be serious.

RAJ: What is it?

HOWARD: Look. (Shows him the list. RAJ's eyes widen.)

RAJ: Dude! You can't buy those!

HOWARD: I know! I don't know what she was thinking!

RAJ: Girls don't let guys buy those! They buy them themselves!

HOWARD: I KNOW THAT!

RAJ: Well, then why did she put them on the list!

HOWARD: (Pauses) Well, gee, Raj, let's think. Why would a woman put these items on her grocery list?

RAJ: (Sighs) No, I know that. I just don't know why she's asking YOU to get them!

HOWARD: Because it must be an emergency! I said she was in the lab all day!

RAJ: And because of that YOU need to buy them?

HOWARD: No, because of Mother Nature's cruel sense of humor I have to buy them! (Hands RAJ list.) Here, you do it.

RAJ: What?! Oh, no. Not me. She's your wife. You buy them! (Hands list back.)

HOWARD: But I don't know anything about them!

RAJ: And you think I do?

HOWARD: No, but it's less embarrassing for me if you're the one who does it.

RAJ: Nice try, dude.

HOWARD: (Takes deep breath) Okay, okay. I can be mature about this. All I need to do is find the aisle and I can pick them up. How hard can it be?

_(They turn down the next aisle. The camera slowly pans back down the aisle showing the shelves filled with feminine hygiene products.)_

RAJ: Dude, you are so screwed.

2


	2. Chapter 2

_The Feminine Hygiene Mistake Act I J. Franklin  
_

**THE FEMININE HYGIENE MISTAKE**

**ACT I**

_(SCENE: HOWARD and RAJ are in a grocery mart at the top of an aisle that features feminine hygiene products. Both look terrified.)_

RAJ: (Leaning over but not taking his eyes off the displays.) Dude, do you even know what type she takes?

HOWARD: Are you kidding? I didn't even know there were types!

RAJ: Well, what does she normally use?

HOWARD: (Rolling eyes) I don't know! Somehow, it's never really come up in conversation. (_Mimics_) How are you? How was your day? My mother said you need to call her about this weekend. And, oh, by the way, which brand of monthly protection do you use?

RAJ: Take it easy, dude. I'm just trying to help.

HOWARD: I know, I know. I don't mean to snap at you. It's just that this time of the month makes things so difficult…

RAJ: (Looking up at shelves) So, do you know what brand she uses?

HOWARD: I think the box is pink.

RAJ: Dude, that's every box in the aisle.

HOWARD: I know. You'd think those commercials showing women always wearing white would have some relevance here…

RAJ: Can't you call her and ask?

HOWARD: No! I said she's in the lab all day!

RAJ: What about calling Penny? She might know. Girls talk about things.

HOWARD: What? No, I'm not calling Penny and discussing this with her!

RAJ: Okay, so what's left?

HOWARD: I don't know. Give me a minute.

_(A small-framed woman walks by.)_

HOWARD: Excuse me? My wife is about your height. Do you mind if I ask which of these you prefer?

WOMAN: WHAT?!

HOWARD: Nevermind. (Woman walks off.)

RAJ: So, what are you going to do?

HOWARD: I don't know. Maybe I'll find a sales clerk and ask her.

_(A female sales clerk walks past in the opposite direction.)_

HOWARD: Excuse me!

CLERK: (Turning) Yes? Are you boys lost?

HOWARD: What? No, we're not lost!

CLERK: Oh. Because we normally don't see too many men in this aisle.

HOWARD: Um, yes, I know. (Gestures to shelves.) I'm trying to buy some of these for my wife.

CLERK: (Sarcastically) Really? You don't say!

HOWARD: (Sighs) Yes, but I don't know anything about them.

CLERK: (Sarcastically) I'm shocked.

HOWARD: (Exasperated) Look, could you just…I don't know…help me out here?

CLERK: Sure. What brand does she prefer?

RAJ: They come in brands?

CLERK: Oh, you boys do need help. Hold on. (Keys radio unit on belt.) ATTENTION! I HAVE A MALE CUSTOMER IN AISLE SEVEN WHO NEEDS HELP WITH A FEMININE HYGIENE PURCHASE! (_RAJ and HOWARD cringe.)_

HOWARD: Hey! Can we be a little more private, please?

CLERK: Oh, I'm sorry. (Keys intercom again.) CANCEL THAT REQUEST. THE CUSTOMER SAYS HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT HIMSELF.

HOWARD: (Mortified) What? No! I mean, help me out without broadcasting it to the world!

CLERK: Oh, okay then. (Keys intercom) CUSTOMER SAYS NEED FOR ASSISTANCE IS BACK ON AGAIN.

HOWARD: (Shakes head) Look, could we possibly do this without using the intercom?

CLERK: Well, we could. But then it wouldn't be nearly as much fun now, would it?

HOWARD: Why are you doing this?

CLERK: You know how many jokes I've had to hear about over the years from men just like you about this sort of thing?

HOWARD: Well, uh, no.

CLERK: Then let's just say I'm enjoying this! (Pauses) Hang on…

_(She moves off. Two more women walk by and pause.)_

WOMAN #1: Are these the men who need help here? I had to see this for myself.

HOWARD: (Raising voice) Look! Can we just get this done with a little privacy please?!

WOMAN #1: Wow. Someone's sure grouchy this week! (Moves along)

RAJ: Hey! He can't help it! He's not feeling well right now! (To HOWARD) Got your back, dude.

HOWARD: (Unimpressed.) Thanks.

_(Another woman walks up. She is slightly older. HOWARD and RAJ react with surprise.)_

WOMAN: Oh, my goodness! Howard Wolowitz and Rajesh Koothrappali!

HOWARD: (Eyes widening) Mrs. Siebert?! _(Turns to RAJ and laughs nervously.) _Oh, look, Raj. It's President Siebert's wife, Mrs. Siebert!

WOMAN: Whatever are you doing here?

RAJ: We're not buying anything!

HOWARD: Shut up.

WOMAN: Oh! Are you the two boys I heard about on the intercom?

HOWARD: Uh, no! Not at all! We were just…passing through on our way to the checkout!

CLERK: (Returning with several boxes) These are our most popular brands. Any of these look familiar?

HOWARD: What? I don't use those!

CLERK: (Deadpan) You don't say.

HOWARD: No! Please! Just…put those back! (CLERK rolls eyes and shrugs before moving off.)

WOMAN: So, I take it your wife has finally trusted you with the grocery shopping?

HOWARD: What makes you say that?

WOMAN: Because I'm still doing it instead of my husband since I don't trust him to do it right.

HOWARD: Oh. Well, um, yes! I'm doing the shopping this week! Have to help my busy wife!

WOMAN: Yes, I know. I guess this means she wears the pants now?

HOWARD: (Taken aback) What?! No! As a matter of fact –

RAJ: Dude! Please! No more about being an astronaut!

WOMAN: (Shaking head) Well, good luck boys. (_Pauses_) You look like you're going to need it! (_Moves off_)

RAJ: (Waits a moment) She was mean.

HOWARD: I know. Let's just get something and get out of here.

RAJ: But you still don't know what type she wants!

HOWARD: So? I'll just pick something and she can use that until she comes back here…or whenever…

RAJ: (Shakes head) Look, dude. Just treat it like you do a Home Depot purchase. Buy several kinds and let her choose. Then, bring the rest back for a refund!

HOWARD: What?! She's not going to want to bring back a bunch of boxes of tampons and get a refund!

RAJ: She won't have to. She'll make you do it.

HOWARD: WHAT?! I'm not doing that!

RAJ: Well, you need to think of something.

HOWARD: I know, I know. Just…give me a second. (Reaches into pocket)

RAJ: What are you doing?

HOWARD: Calling for backup.

_(Dissolve to: AMY sitting alone in her apartment on the sofa. She is simply staring into space. Her cordless phone rings. She does not move. It rings again. She looks around in space. It rings again. She looks around the room before settling on the phone as it rings again. She frowns. Slowly, she reaches over and lifts the receiver.) _

AMY: (Unsure) Hello?

_(Cut to: HOWARD in grocery store with RAJ listening in.)_

HOWARD: (Speaking quickly) Amy! It's Howard!

AMY: (Surprised and distant) My phone finally rings. It's NOT a wrong number! And a male voice is on the other end! (Pauses) Teenage me always dreamed about this!

HOWARD: (Filtered) Amy?

AMY: (Snaps back) Yes! I'm here! _(Looks around_) Where's my diary? This date needs to be recorded.

_(Cut to: HOWARD in grocery store with RAJ listening in. He is confused)_

HOWARD: (Confused) Amy? Aren't you dating Sheldon?

_(Cut to: AMY searching frantically in her apartment.)_

AMY: Yes, but Sheldon never phones me. He only Skypes. Hold on!

_(Cut to: HOWARD and RAJ.)_

HOWARD: Um, okay…

_(Cut to: AMY.)_

AMY: My mother always said this would happen eventually! I just thought it would have happened before graduation!

_(Cut to: HOWARD and RAJ.)_

HOWARD: (Confused) Yeah. Uh, glad I could…help. Listen, I need to know something….

_(Cut to: AMY. She is lifting an enormous book out of her desk and grabbing a pen. She checks her watch for the date.)_

AMY: (Excited) I'm listening!

_(Cut to: HOWARD and RAJ. HOWARD nods to him and RAJ moves off camera.)_

HOWARD: I need to know what brand of feminine protection Bernadette uses!

_(Cut to: AMY. She stops dead in her tracks.)_

AMY: You called to ask me WHAT?

_(Cut to: HOWARD.)_

HOWARD: I'm at the grocery store, and I need to know!

_(Cut to: AMY.)_

AMY: (Frowning) That's not the sort of question a gentleman caller asks!

_(Cut to: HOWARD and RAJ. RAJ is now holding an armful of various packages and resting his chin on the topmost.)_

HOWARD: (Exasperated and looking at various boxes RAJ is holding.) I'm not a gentleman caller! I'm a desperate husband! I need to know if you know what brand my wife uses!

_(Cut to: AMY.)_

AMY: So, you just called me to talk to me about another woman and what she prefers in terms of hygiene products?

_(Cut to: HOWARD and RAJ.) _

HOWARD: Yes!

_(Cut to: AMY.)_

AMY: That's not the sort of thing women normally discuss unless they're at the gym.

_(Cut to: HOWARD and RAJ.) _

HOWARD: Well, what did she tell you the last time you were at the gym?

_(Cut to: AMY.)_

AMY: I don't go to the gym.

_(Cut to: HOWARD and RAJ.) _

RAJ: (To HOWARD) C'mon, dude! I can't keep holding all these boxes! (_Nods and smiles at more women passing by_.)

HOWARD: So, you're telling me you don't know?

_(Cut to: AMY.)_

AMY: No, I have no idea.

_(Cut to: HOWARD and RAJ.) _

HOWARD: Okay. Thanks. (Hangs up.)

_(Cut to: AMY. She is thinking.)_

AMY: No, it's still going in my diary. (Begins writing.)

_(Cut to: HOWARD and RAJ. HOWARD is dialing another number.) _

RAJ: Now, what, dude?

HOWARD: Hang on…

(_Cut to: SHELDON and LEONARD's apartment. SHELDON is playing a video game. We hear several explosions. LEONARD is not there. His cell phone rings and he pauses the game. He is clearly irritated.)_

SHELDON: Hello?

_(Cut to: HOWARD and RAJ.)_

HOWARD: Sheldon! It's me. Is Penny there?

_(Cut to: SHELDON.)_

SHELDON: (Pauses. He looks confused. He scans the apartment and looks under his desk.) No. (_Pauses_) Should she be?

_(Cut to: HOWARD and RAJ.)_

HOWARD: I don't have her number. I was hoping she was there with Leonard.

(_Cut to: SHELDON)_

SHELDON: Well, she's not here.

_(Cut to: HOWARD and RAJ.)_

HOWARD: Well, can you go across and see if she's in her apartment?

(_Cut to: SHELDON)_

SHELDON: (Getting up.) I suppose. _(He moves to the door.)_ Do you mind telling me what this is all about?

_(Cut to: HOWARD and RAJ.)_

HOWARD: I need to talk with her about feminine hygiene.

(_Cut to: SHELDON. He stops dead in his tracks.)_

SHELDON: Come again?

_(Cut to: HOWARD and RAJ.)_

HOWARD: I need to know if she knows which brand Bernadette uses.

(_Cut to: SHELDON.)_

SHELDON: Oh. (Pauses) I see. (_Pauses and starts to turn around_) You know, maybe this isn't a good time…

HOWARD: (Filtered) JUST DO IT!

SHELDON: Okay, okay. You don't have to get so snippy about it! (Moves phone away from his ear.) I guess it's true they do become one after marriage…(_Knocks on door.) _Penny –

PENNY: (Other side of door) Who's the fairest queen of all?

SHELDON: (Confused. Knocks again.) Penny?

PENNY: And who is the most beautiful girl of all?

SHELDON: (Frowning) Penny?

PENNY: (Opens door energetically and smiles.) Hi, Sheldon!

SHELDON: (Deflates and sighs) Obviously, you and Leonard had coitus again.

PENNY: (Quizzical) What makes you say that?

SHELDON: Your demeanor is overly elated.

PENNY: (Sighs) What do you need, Sheldon?

SHELDON: It's not me. It's Howard. (Hands her phone)

PENNY: (Taking phone) What's he want?

SHELDON: I'll let him explain.

_(Cut to: HOWARD and RAJ.)_

RAJ: C'mon, dude! I'm missing out on my blu-ray time!

HOWARD: (Turns to him) Hang on! We're almost done.

RAJ: But this is the one with the director's behind-the-scenes! They talk about how they did the special effects where the alien queen rips Bishop in half!

HOWARD: (Under his breath) I'd like to rip you in half…

RAJ: What?

HOWARD: Nothing! (Turns back to his phone) Penny?

_(Cut to: PENNY and SHELDON.)_

PENNY: (Still energetic.) Yeah, Howard. What's up?

_(Cut to: HOWARD and RAJ.)_

HOWARD: I need your help with something for Bernadette.

_(Cut to: PENNY and SHELDON.)_

PENNY: Sure! You buying her a gift?

_(Cut to: HOWARD and RAJ. They exchange glances.)_

HOWARD: Not exactly.

_(Cut to: PENNY and SHELDON.)_

PENNY: Ohh. (Pauses) Are you in some kind of trouble?

_(Cut to: HOWARD and RAJ.)_

HOWARD: More or less.

_(Cut to: PENNY and SHELDON.)_

PENNY: Okay, shoot!

HOWARD: (Filtered) I need to know if you know what kind of protection she uses?

PENNY: (Frowns) You mean like birth control?

_(Cut to: HOWARD and RAJ.)_

HOWARD: (Pauses) No, I mean like…you know…(_Struggles to find words_) … feminine protection?

_(Cut to: PENNY and SHELDON.)_

PENNY: (Frowning) You want me to tell you what type of tampon she uses?

_(Cut to: HOWARD and RAJ.)_

HOWARD: (Closes eyes and sighs with relief) Yes!

_(Cut to: PENNY and SHELDON.)_

PENNY: (Shrugs) I have no idea!

_(Cut to: HOWARD and RAJ. HOWARD is facepalming.) _

HOWARD: (Quietly in frustration) Oh, my God…

PENNY: (Filtered) Don't you know by now?

HOWARD: No. It's not something we normally discuss, you know.

PENNY: (Filtered) Why not?

HOWARD: Because it's…it's…

_(Cut to: PENNY and SHELDON.)_

PENNY: What? Normal? Natural? Biological?

HOWARD: (Filtered) No! It's just…gross…

_(Cut to: PENNY and SHELDON. PENNY is frowning.)_

PENNY: Gross?

HOWARD: (Filtered) Yes!

PENNY: (Sighs and shakes head) I'll never understand this. You guys can watch the grossest, most disgusting movies about aliens tearing people apart, but you get all childish over something as natural and normal as a woman's period!

SHELDON: (Frowning and turning away) Oh, no!

_(Cut to: HOWARD and RAJ. Both are grimacing.)_

HOWARD: (Taking phone from his ear) Ohhhh…did you have to say that?

_(Cut to: PENNY and SHELDON.)_

PENNY: (Confused) What? Period?

SHELDON: (Disgusted) Oh, not again!

HOWARD: (Filtered) She did it again!

RAJ: (Filtered) Dude, you've got to hang up the phone!

_(Cut to: HOWARD and RAJ.)_

HOWARD: (Exasperated) Look, I just need to know anything you can tell me that would be helpful here!

_(Cut to: PENNY and SHELDON.)_

PENNY: (Smiling) Sorry, Mr. Wolowitz. You'll have to handle this rocket launch on your own! _(Hangs up and hands phone back to SHELDON. He is still frowning. PENNY looks at him_.) What?

SHELDON: Nothing. (Pauses) I'm going to go back to my video game. _(Turns and begins heading back toward his apartment.)_

PENNY: (Smiles mischievously) Sheldon?

SHELDON: (Turns) Yes?

PENNY: (Pauses) PERIOD!

SHELDON: (Horrified) Oh, no! _(Runs back into apartment and slams door.)_

PENNY: (Smiles to herself) Score one for the girls! (Closes door.)

_(Cut to: HOWARD and RAJ. HOWARD is shaking his head and dialing another number.)_

RAJ: Dude, what are you going to do now?

HOWARD: I'm throwing in the towel and calling in the big guns.

RAJ: (Horrified) You don't mean…

HOWARD: Yes. (Pauses) I'm calling my mother…

_(Cut to commercial)_

14


	3. Chapter 3

_The Feminine Hygiene Mistake Act II J. Franklin  
_

**THE FEMININE HYGIENE MISTAKE**

**ACT II**

_(SCENE: HOWARD and RAJ are in the feminine hygiene aisle at the grocery mart. RAJ is frustrated and clearly impatient; HOWARD is frantically waiting for his mother to answer.)_

RAJ: Dude, I can't believe you're actually going to call your mother to discuss tampons.

HOWARD: Well, when you get married, there's one thing you learn to fear more than your own mother.

RAJ: What's that?

HOWARD: Your wife when she's on her period. (Holds phone to ear.) It's ringing!

RAJ: Oh, good. (Sarcastically) I feel so relieved!

HOWARD: Shh! (Pauses) Hi, Mom? _(Pauses again_) Yes, it's me, Howard!

RAJ: Who else would call her "mom"? (HOWARD pushes him.)

_(Cut to: MRS. WOLOWITZ in her kitchen cooking. She is moving quickly around the stove; all we see are her arms and hands.)_

MRS. WOLOWITZ: So, my little bubby finally decided to call his mother!

_(Cut to: HOWARD and RAJ)_

HOWARD: What are you talking about? We just talked two days ago!

_(Cut to: MRS. WOLOWITZ)_

MRS. WOLOWITZ: Oh, Mr. Big Shot now! Doesn't need to call his mother unless he needs something!

_(Cut to: HOWARD and RAJ)_

HOWARD: (Uncomfortable) What makes you think I need something?

RAJ: (Quietly) You do, dude! You do! Remember? (_HOWARD elbows him again_.)

_(Cut to: MRS. WOLOWITZ)_

MRS. WOLOWITZ: Well, you'll have to make it fast! I'm busy in the kitchen cooking!

_(Cut to: HOWARD and RAJ)_

HOWARD: (Suddenly distracted) You're cooking? What are you making?

_(Cut to: MRS. WOLOWITZ)_

MRS. WOLOWITZ: It's a new brisket recipe. My doctuh said I need to try and eat less meat, so I'm using chicken this time

_(Cut to: HOWARD and RAJ)_

RAJ: Dude, she knows chicken is also meat, right? (HOWARD elbows him yet again.) Ow! Dude! I'm just trying to help!

MRS. WOLOWITZ: (Filtered) Is that cute Rajesh Koothrappali there with you?

HOWARD: (Surprised) Raj? Uh, yes. He is!

MRS. WOLOWITZ: (Filtered) Good. I'm making some for him too since I know his people don't eat a lot beef. (Pauses)

RAJ: (Overhearing) Actually, we're not supposed to eat any beef –

HOWARD: Relax!

RAJ: What do you mean, "Relax!"? You had a bacon double cheeseburger just yesterday –

HOWARD: (Wide eyed) SSSSHH!

MRS. WOLOWITZ: (Filtered) What was that?

HOWARD: (Speaking quickly) Uh, nothing! Nothing! Raj was just looking over the grocery list and misread something. (Pauses) But actually, it's something on the list that I'm calling you about.

_(Cut to: MRS. WOLOWITZ)_

MRS. WOLOWITZ: Is it something for my sweet daughter in law, Bernadette?

HOWARD: (Filtered) As a matter of fact, it is. Listen –

MRS. WOLOWITZ: Is it a pregnancy test to see if I have a grandchild yet?

_(Cut to: HOWARD and RAJ)_

HOWARD: (Pausing) Um, not exactly. More of the opposite, really.

MRS. WOLOWITZ: (Filtered) What do you mean? You trying to buy her some underwear or something?

HOWARD: No, actually –

MRS. WOLOWITZ: (Filtered) 'Cause I've been noticing how top-heavy she's been looking lately. She needs some better bras to hold those girls in place!

HOWARD: (Sighs and looks at RAJ.)

RAJ: It's true, dude. She does.

HOWARD: (Aghast) What? Wh-wh-what? Stop checking out my wife!

MRS. WOLOWITZ: (Filtered) Excuse me?

RAJ: (Hurriedly) No, not you, ma! I was just talking to Raj.

_(Cut to: MRS. WOLOWITZ)_

MRS. WOLOWITZ: Oh. Well, you can't blame him. If she wore better support, she wouldn't be so enticing to all those exotic foreign men!

_(Cut to: RAJ and HOWARD)_

RAJ: (Smiling) See, this is why I like your mom –

HOWARD: (Losing it) Okay, enough! Enough! Mom, I NEED YOUR HELP IN BUYING HER SOME TAMPONS! (_He pauses, shocked at how loud he just shouted. Several women are passing by and stop as well to look at him_.)

RAJ: (Trying to help by recovering quickly) Let's go! Move along! Nothing to see here! (_Women move past_.)

MRS. WOLOWITZ: (Filtered) You need help buying her WHAT?

HOWARD: (Resigned and speaking quickly) Tampons! I'm in the women's hygiene aisle and she put them on the grocery list, but I don't know anything about them! That's why I'm calling!

_(Cut to: MRS. WOLOWITZ)_

MRS. WOLOWITZ: Oh, well sure! I can help you with those!

_(Cut to: RAJ and HOWARD)_

HOWARD: (Turns to RAJ and sighs in relief) She's going to help us! We're saved!

MRS. WOLOWITZ: (Filtered) Do you know when she started her last cycle?

HOWARD: Say whaa?

MRS. WOLOWITZ: : (Filtered) When did she start?

HOWARD: Uh, I don't know…

MRS. WOLOWITZ: : (Filtered) Well, when was the last time the two of you –

HOWARD: (Speaking quickly) We're not talking about that!

MRS. WOLOWITZ: (Filtered) Oh, my son the big time stud can't share anything with his mother!

HOWARD: Okay, okay! I guess it's been a week! Are you happy?

MRS. WOLOWITZ: (Filtered) Oh, sure! Now, if you don't know when she started, you probably don't know if she's on her heavy flows yet, right?

RAJ: (Whispering to HOWARD) They have different flows?

HOWARD: (Speaking quickly again) Uh, mom! I just need to know what kinds I should buy! We don't really need to go into all the details –

_(Cut to: MRS. WOLOWITZ)_

MRS. WOLOWITZ: (Ignoring him) Because when I was her age, I always needed the maximum stuff they had 'cuz even then I had a fuller figure and being a big girl, my flows were just –

_(Cut to: HOWARD)_

HOWARD: (Cringing and grabbing a box off the shelf) Here it is! I found it! Never mind! Thanks, Mom –

_(Cut to: MRS. WOLOWITZ)_

MRS. WOLOWITZ: Now, hold on there, Mister Smarty Pants. Do you have some liners for her as well?

_(Cut to: RAJ and HOWARD)_

HOWARD: (Confused) You mean like jokes?

MRS. WOLOWITZ: (Filtered) No, I mean panty liners so she can have some extra protection in her underwear! If she's having a rough day –

HOWARD: (Giving up) Yes! Yes! We've got those, too! Thanks so much –

MRS. WOLOWITZ: (Filtered) Now, you'll probably want to get her some Ibuprofen as well to help with the cramps –

HOWARD: (Trying to cut her off) Got it, ma! All taken care of! Thanks! Listen, I'll call you again –

MRS. WOLOWITZ: Now, did you make sure you got the brand she likes?

HOWARD: Um, no. She didn't put that on the list, so I was just going to get –

MRS. WOLOWITZ: (Filtered) She didn't put it on the list? Are you sure?

HOWARD: (Exasperated) Yes, of course I'm sure! I looked right here on the list and it's right on the bottom with no labeling –

MRS. WOLOWITZ: (Filtered) Did you check on the back?

HOWARD: (Shaking his head) Ma, I think I would have known to do that before calling you. (_Turns list over_) I mean, c'mon – (_Stops_)

RAJ: (Reading over his shoulder) Tampax. Dude! That's it! She even wrote the brand name!

HOWARD: (Holding phone to his chest) Quick. Just grab every kind of box that says Tampax on it and we'll do it your way with the exchange idea.

RAJ: Okay, dude!

_(Dissolve to: HOWARD and RAJ at the checkout line. RAJ is emptying the shopping cart onto the conveyer belt while HOWARD is still on the phone with his mother. He is nodding and clearly frustrated.) _

HOWARD: Yes, ma. I know. I will. (Pauses) I understand. Really. But we're at the checkout line now, so I need to –

RAJ: (Continues unloading but stops suddenly. The checkout cashier is the same CLERK who helped them earlier. He turns to HOWARD.) Um, dude! You might want to –

HOWARD: (To RAJ) Hold on, she's almost done eating now!

RAJ: (Nervous) But dude –

HOWARD: Mom? Yeah, hold on one second – (Holds phone to chest) What is it?

RAJ: (Nods toward CLERK.)

CLERK: (Sarcastically) Well, hello.

HOWARD: (Freezes) You!

CLERK: Yes. Me. (Smiles) Were you able to find everything you were – ahem! – looking for?

HOWARD: (Still clutching phone to his chest) Um, yes! As a matter of fact, we were! Right here, see! (_Holds box up proudly_) Oh, and, these aren't for me!

CLERK: (Puts hand on his arm reassuringly) Are you sure?

HOWARD: (Realizing absurdity) Well, um, yes! Yes! But, hey, we figured it out, at least! So, ah, here you go! (_Hands box to clerk_)

CLERK: Oh, that's wonderful. (Takes box to scan. The machine beeps in error. CLERK swipes it again. The machine beeps in error a second time.) Uh-oh. That's strange.

HOWARD: What? What's strange?

CLERK: Hold on. (Cues intercom) I NEED A PRICE CHECK AT REGISTER 12 FOR SOME TAMPAX! I REPEAT, I NEED A PRICE CHECK AT REGISTER 12 FOR SOME TAMPAX TAMPONS!

HOWARD: (Buries his face in his hands) Oh, God…could this get any worse?

_(MRS. SIEBERT walks by.)_

MRS. SIEBERT: (Over her shoulder) Have a nice day, boys! Glad to see you were able to work everything out!

RAJ: (Pauses. Leans over) Dude, it just got worse!

_(Dissolve to: HOWARD and BERNADETTE's apartment. BERNADETTE is cooking dinner while HOWARD reads a comic book.)_

BERNADETTE: So, anyway, after a full day of handling flesh-eating bacteria, it's just so nice to come home to some fresh and clean meat for a change!

HOWARD: (Unfazed) That's nice, dear.

BERNADETTE: (Absent-mindedly) Were you able to get everything I put on the list?

HOWARD: (Breaking from comic book) What?

BERNADETTE: (Still cooking but turning to face him) I was just wondering if you had any problems getting everything I put on the list?

HOWARD: (Beams) As a matter of fact, no! Your husband passed the grocery trip test with flying colors!

BERNADETTE: You did?

HOWARD: Absolutely! (Gets up) I even managed to pick up your _personal items_!

BERNADETTE: (Frowning) You bought me the new underwear your mother's been nagging me about?

HOWARD: What? No! I bought you your – your – y'know. (Drops voice) Protection!

BERNADETTE: (Confused) But we're already using protection!

HOWARD: (Frustrated) No! I mean, y'know, your monthly things that you need? Your little visitor who comes along and keeps us from having as much fun in the bedroom as we'd like?

BERNADETTE: (Thinks) Oh, you mean the tampons!

HOWARD: (Relaxes) Yes! Your tampons! I got them just like you outlined!

BERNADETTE: Oh, thank you, Howie. That's such a relief. (Continues stirring pot.) Now I wish I hadn't made that special trip to the drug store on the way home to get them!

HOWARD: (Aghast. Throws comic book against far wall.) You did _WHAT?!_

_(Cut to commercial)_

8


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